snippets

 sorry.  i really stink at blogging these days.  i take photos and then forget about them.  Then i don't know what i have, or they all seem old or outdated to me within a week.  Or they don't seem interesting enough, or... ha. it's a vicious cycle.  

I'm struggling with myself these days...my desire for more kids began with a fleeting thought back in december, and has snowballed to this ache that never goes away.  All i have to do is think about it and my eyes immediately flood.  My "NO WAY" attitude has done a complete 180, and i can't do a dang thing about it.  We put the nail in that coffin 5 years ago.   I look at a baby or a pregnant woman walk by me at the store, and a lump the size of a bowling ball forms in my throat.  I feel like i'm missing someone.  I'm missing faces and personalities that i wish i knew. The desire to have children is just as strong as it was the first time, but this time around it's the desire of a grown woman.  Not a 20 year old child.  It's with a broader knowledge.  I've done it. i've seen it.  I know what it's like and how hard it is and how tiring and constant the demands of a baby and toddler are.  I also know how fast it goes and how those tiring days are more precious than you ever realize when you are in the thick of it.  I think i'd be a different mother now. i'd appreciate it more. I'd be more patient and understanding. I wouldn't be perfect, but my perspective would just be completely different than the first time.  My babies are gone.  My youngest is pulling away and my heart breaks into a million pieces when he shuns me.  The cuddly boy will barely hug and kiss me before he breaks away.  The kid who would wave a million times and blow me kisses as i dropped him off at school, doesn't even turn back and look at me anymore as he walks away.  My baby is gone and i still have more of myself to give to a little one.  Oh, i know they still need me. I know i'll be giving plenty of myself for years to come. The challenges of the coming years will be parenting at it's most complicated!  I don't know.  I guess that only a seasoned mother would really "get" all this.  One that had her own babies grow.  I can imagine--i know-- that this is only a drop in the bucket.  I sob and cry and ache at this change.  I grieve.  Heck, i'm falling apart as i type this.  Parenting.  The most amazing and heartbreaking job you'll ever have.  I want to grab people by the necks and tell them to have as many as they possibly can.  and NOW.  It's such a privilege.  It's so amazing.  It's so...how can i explain? i can't. 

mothering is such an interesting thing.  It's a part of you that no one really sees 100% of what you are like.  It's a secret identity, really, that only you and your kids know about.  I know for me, if anyone is visiting or if adam is home, my mode changes to accommodate whoever is home.  My attentions shift.  When it's just me and the kids...it's just different.  When people say, "you are a good mother" i often wonder how they know, b/c i feel as if my whole personality as a mom has never been seen except by my kids.  It's sad, really, that this part of my life can never really be captured.  You'd have to be a fly on the wall to video or photograph these everyday moments as i comfort, help, feed, love on, talk with, laugh with, explain to, (and in the old days) rock, change, bathe (etc, etc)...my kids.  There are moments where i am alone with one or both, and i wish that somehow that moment could be captured.  It's a hard thought that i won't be able to physically look back on my own life as a mother...my most important role. There are very few candid photos of me with them.  i'm the one with the camera in my hand. 

 heavy. sorry. i know i'm usually all light and flowers in this blog.  But if i don't release this heaviness in my heart, i'll explode.

 so..snippets.  just random photos from the last couple months. i have no desire to prettify these in photoshop.. lazy. :)

 

the never-ending battle of my kitchen! haha :) 
 

this beauty is specifically going to take up a lot of my energies in the up coming years ;) I'm thankful that our relationship is growing.  I pray the foundation will be strong enough to weather those years.

 

This one is more and more gravitating toward dad.  It's a harder process for me than i thought it would be.  i should have encouraged it years ago, though. 

 
don't let his serious expression fool you. i can still coax a smile outta him.

 
 

baseball is back into the mix..

 

spring is exploding around us.  I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see the bare trees GREEN again!  the downside...the grass and weeds grow about 5 inches a minute.  haha.  Our yard looks like a wild meadow.  the weather is back and forth between sun and rain, but soon will be the days of more sun than rain.  yay!  The days are getting longer and longer.  Summer fever has hit our house.  Ben has a school countdown calendar all made up.

a few weeks ago...this was the lilac bush...just sprouting it's leaves

 
now:

 
it's full and lush and on the brink of explosion.

 
 
 
one of my favorite things, is watching the evergreens grow their new bright green tips.  they are small now, but they will big big and fluffy soon.

 

i don't remember seeing these before.  i did some google searching, and found out that these are Forget-Me-Nots!
 

 

my new favorite seat.  i've been wanting a lounge chair forever.  i have a cushion for it that i bring out to make it extra comfy.     
 
 
see? not a whole lot going on around here :)  We are just waiting for summer!! 

Comments

[Julia M.]

Thank you for this post. I needed to read this TODAY. Life can be so overwhelming with five little ones and it's a constant job that is full of life's blessings and stresses. But I needed to read another woman's perspective and be grateful for the five I've had. (not that I'm not, just hard being grateful for all the stuff that comes with it:diapers, late nights, potty training, spit up, etc) Beautiful photo's too. Whenever you're in the mood to come to Phoenix and luv on my little's, you are more than welcome. Hugs to you friend!

[Chloe]

Thank you for sharing Reno. My heart is sad for you :( I can say that when we have kids, you can spend as much time as you want with them haha. Oh, also I love that picture of the kids in their fort - hilarious!

[anna torres]

oh, erin...i didn't know it was consuming you like that. thanks for sharing. i love you.

[allison]

Thanks for sharing! Have you ever thought about foster care or baby rocking at the hospital? Every foster child that has come through our door I have fallen in love with! I would be honored to me the mother of any of them! WA state is in such need of good foster families. BTW, I'm going to need help with this baby whenever he is born :)

[Sharon]

I agree with Allison. You'd make a great foster mom. You could also pray about adoption. It worked out great for me. Aunt Sharon

[Ashley]

I totally get what you're saying Erin. I was so scared after Alex was born because Eric kept insisting that he didn't want any more and was going to get it all taken care of and I would just sob and feel like I was dying when I would hold Alex or nurse him, especially, and think he would be my last baby. I managed to convince him to hold out for one more but even with that hope comes the sadness that there will only be one more. It's heartbreaking. I loved this post :)

[Amy Jacobs]

I read this when you wrote it but didn't have time to comment. You and I have discussed this quite a bit. You know you can always confide in me : ). Thanks for letting me vent to you and worry about the silly notion recently that perhaps fate had dealt me a different hand (nope, just getting old, lol). I wish we lived nearby so we could actually spend time as friends. We share alot in common. Imagine the coffee filled days and photo outings with kids we'd have : ). I'm with you too about the lack of photos of me with the girls. I have dozens of David with them. I'd say only about a dozen with me! : ( Thank God for my iMac Photobooth : ). Love ya girl.