The kids have discovered the video camera...they've made up skits and recorded all kinds of crazy stuff the last couple days. I believe Benjamin has taken it the farthest...yesterday he recorded his day-in-the-life (until the battery ran out!)
a couple examples...breakfast
he videos everything. he even started getting creative and would start and stop the video camera over and over while, for example, videoing me reading. the effect was super cool! You have to sometimes wonder if these small bits of interest will ever manifest to something in their adulthood, or if it just is a passing childhood phase of just learning.
Yesterday, Ashlyn made a little nook in her room to sit and read or watch a DVD. I found her searching through her bible for verses on love for a couple of signs that she wanted up on the wall around her nook. She found some really good ones! i just love her.
I found this fire bowl at Target during the winter on clearance for $35. I've been wanting a fire pit for a LONG time....i had to get it! We finally broke it out last night and made S'more's with the kids. So fun! It's such a great way to enjoy the long days outdoors this time of year. We started around 8:15, and it didn't get dark til around 9:30ish. LOVE IT.
Isn't it amazing how mesmorizing fire is? we all sat around and watched it for a long time. all the sparks and cracking and popping...the smell...i just love it so much.
how much longer will he let me do this?? i literally soak in every moment.
I noticed Benjamin and his friend out in the backyard, and when i went to snap a photo, i was blown away by how green and lush it is!! Partly b/c we are not the ones to have a perfectly manicured backyard...we have somewhat of a wild,"natural" look going on back there ;)
This afternoon, ashlyn and i played two-square. She has been learning four-square at school the last couple weeks, and asked me to play. I used to play that game ALL the time when i was her age...i have forgotten pretty much all the rules and felt lost as she listed off all kinds of moves and rules. We played for quite awhile, and every minute or so, she would make a comment about how nice it was to play with me, how fun this was, how we are just talking girl talk and hanging out, etc, etc. It was quite obvious how much the interactive (playing a game, doing *something*) one-on-one time meant to her. Mental note: DO THIS MORE.
Benjamin and my camera were both already outside, so i took advantage. i had him snap some photos while we played :)
when adam came home, all four of us played four square. Adam remembered waaay more than i did! That man has a steal trap mind when it comes to games and such. It was super fun. the four of us need to find more hands on activities to do together.
here is a photo i stole from facebook that adam just posted...he took ben out for guy nite. Love these two!
We are getting so close to summer, i can taste it. The sun is rising earlier than sould be legal, and it doesn't get dark until past 9. The sun is feeling warmer, everything is growing a mile a minute, Benjamin and i are popping Clariten, and i'm buying summer clothes for the children. My bones are thawing out! ha. i actually turned on the air conditioner for the first time of the season yesterday.
Thank you for the kind words on my baby fever :). The bare fact is, is that our two will be our only children. I think i would feel this way whether i had 2 or 20. it's just the passing of time that is so hard, and i will be ok. It helped just writing it all out....it lifted the burden from my shoulders, in a way. Adam is excited to having me to himself in 10 years...and i am excited for that as well. I feel lucky to have a husband that looks forward to that. Almost like he really loves me or something! ;) hehe. I'll have plenty of babies and kids to love on as my friends and sisters-in-law's all start having their own. Auntie Erin will be always willing to babysit or lend a hand! :)
Ashlyn writing in her fiction writing journal for school.
more time spent outside!
(learning how to whistle with a thick piece of grass between their thumbs)
sorry. i really stink at blogging these days. i take photos and then forget about them. Then i don't know what i have, or they all seem old or outdated to me within a week. Or they don't seem interesting enough, or... ha. it's a vicious cycle.
I'm struggling with myself these days...my desire for more kids began with a fleeting thought back in december, and has snowballed to this ache that never goes away. All i have to do is think about it and my eyes immediately flood. My "NO WAY" attitude has done a complete 180, and i can't do a dang thing about it. We put the nail in that coffin 5 years ago. I look at a baby or a pregnant woman walk by me at the store, and a lump the size of a bowling ball forms in my throat. I feel like i'm missing someone. I'm missing faces and personalities that i wish i knew. The desire to have children is just as strong as it was the first time, but this time around it's the desire of a grown woman. Not a 20 year old child. It's with a broader knowledge. I've done it. i've seen it. I know what it's like and how hard it is and how tiring and constant the demands of a baby and toddler are. I also know how fast it goes and how those tiring days are more precious than you ever realize when you are in the thick of it. I think i'd be a different mother now. i'd appreciate it more. I'd be more patient and understanding. I wouldn't be perfect, but my perspective would just be completely different than the first time. My babies are gone. My youngest is pulling away and my heart breaks into a million pieces when he shuns me. The cuddly boy will barely hug and kiss me before he breaks away. The kid who would wave a million times and blow me kisses as i dropped him off at school, doesn't even turn back and look at me anymore as he walks away. My baby is gone and i still have more of myself to give to a little one. Oh, i know they still need me. I know i'll be giving plenty of myself for years to come. The challenges of the coming years will be parenting at it's most complicated! I don't know. I guess that only a seasoned mother would really "get" all this. One that had her own babies grow. I can imagine--i know-- that this is only a drop in the bucket. I sob and cry and ache at this change. I grieve. Heck, i'm falling apart as i type this. Parenting. The most amazing and heartbreaking job you'll ever have. I want to grab people by the necks and tell them to have as many as they possibly can. and NOW. It's such a privilege. It's so amazing. It's so...how can i explain? i can't.
mothering is such an interesting thing. It's a part of you that no one really sees 100% of what you are like. It's a secret identity, really, that only you and your kids know about. I know for me, if anyone is visiting or if adam is home, my mode changes to accommodate whoever is home. My attentions shift. When it's just me and the kids...it's just different. When people say, "you are a good mother" i often wonder how they know, b/c i feel as if my whole personality as a mom has never been seen except by my kids. It's sad, really, that this part of my life can never really be captured. You'd have to be a fly on the wall to video or photograph these everyday moments as i comfort, help, feed, love on, talk with, laugh with, explain to, (and in the old days) rock, change, bathe (etc, etc)...my kids. There are moments where i am alone with one or both, and i wish that somehow that moment could be captured. It's a hard thought that i won't be able to physically look back on my own life as a mother...my most important role. There are very few candid photos of me with them. i'm the one with the camera in my hand.
heavy. sorry. i know i'm usually all light and flowers in this blog. But if i don't release this heaviness in my heart, i'll explode.
so..snippets. just random photos from the last couple months. i have no desire to prettify these in photoshop.. lazy. :)
the never-ending battle of my kitchen! haha :)
this beauty is specifically going to take up a lot of my energies in the up coming years ;) I'm thankful that our relationship is growing. I pray the foundation will be strong enough to weather those years.
This one is more and more gravitating toward dad. It's a harder process for me than i thought it would be. i should have encouraged it years ago, though.
don't let his serious expression fool you. i can still coax a smile outta him.
baseball is back into the mix..
spring is exploding around us. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see the bare trees GREEN again! the downside...the grass and weeds grow about 5 inches a minute. haha. Our yard looks like a wild meadow. the weather is back and forth between sun and rain, but soon will be the days of more sun than rain. yay! The days are getting longer and longer. Summer fever has hit our house. Ben has a school countdown calendar all made up.
a few weeks ago...this was the lilac bush...just sprouting it's leaves
it's full and lush and on the brink of explosion.
one of my favorite things, is watching the evergreens grow their new bright green tips. they are small now, but they will big big and fluffy soon.
i don't remember seeing these before. i did some google searching, and found out that these are Forget-Me-Nots!
my new favorite seat. i've been wanting a lounge chair forever. i have a cushion for it that i bring out to make it extra comfy.
see? not a whole lot going on around here :) We are just waiting for summer!!